Modern Parenting is a Lie. Here’s Why
How much instructions do we need to know what to do when we are hungry, thirsty or when we feel the remnants of previously eaten food looking for a way out on the other side?
Non at all. We know how to handle it, and we have known this since very early age.
Now, parenting is supposed to be very natural thing, same as eating, sleeping, and similar stuff. So way do we need so many instructions on how to raise kids properly?
I am not even talking about getting them into some elite preschool, teaching them foreign languages before they can walk, or Montessori things. That’s whole another level. I am talking about raising a small human that can go with its parent to a supermarket or a restaurant and not start screaming and/or rolling on the floor within an hour. I am talking about raising a kid that is not going to fell any need to talk with a psychotherapist about their childhood. I am talking about raising a kid who is going to return the favour and look after the parents when they start wearing diapers. This seems to be quite a difficult task.
I like to observe the world, so here are 3 peculiar reasons why this is happening.
1) Children are becoming a bad investment
Let’s say i am a poorly educated woman in rural India. I don’t have many carrier options — certainly not those that will ensure my comfort and financial security during old age. What I do have, however, is a society where children are expected to really care about their parents — even live with them if the parent is weak and in need of long term care. So, for me, having a child is a good investment and I will do everything in my power to have as many as possible.
Let us now say I have high school or college degree and live in Germany. I have many, many career options and live in a country with strong social and health care system. Here, however, children are encouraged to explore the world, find themselves, pursue their passions etc. The culture I live in is increasingly individualistic. Grown-up child will easily choose to move to USA for a PhD or to Vietnam for whatever hipstery thing is fashionable. In this scenario, I will have maximum 2 children, but it can easily happen that I have none.
2) Society in developed world has too high standards
It is normal and expected that children:
- speak foreign languages
- train some sport
- play musical instrument
- have high test scores in school/preschool
- are well dressed, in some societies it is even expected by child’s peers that they should wear expensive branded stuff and newest gadgets as well
- attend a bunch of birthdays and always bring a nice gift
- go to vacation with the parents and excursions with the classmates
Parents who need to pay for all this, and to drive their kid to and fro this and that activity, often have no time or energy left to spend on quality time with their kids.
3) Our environment is too complex
Getting a degree. Getting a job. Getting a better job. Getting actually, seriously good job which can reliably support a family. Getting sick leave when kid is sick. Million and one gadget for a newborn baby. Car seats. Mandatory doctor’s checks. Minimum number of square meters required per child.
Don’t get me wrong — all these aforementioned things are great. But they drain time, they drain energy, they drain brain capacity until parents ultimately cannot do a single thing more than play a cartoon on Youtube for their kid and get at least an hour of peace and quiet.
Now, I am not saying that people actually think about these things when deciding to have a kid. But they surely feel them. And that makes me sad, because a choice about parenthood — something that should be simple thing driven by an instinct — is getting increasingly complex one. I am afraid that even for a single individual there is no right or wrong answer anymore.
